The Commissioner

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A Ten-Minute Play
Clarke Ahlers

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ACT 1, SCENE 1

The stage is rectangular. For
set, see production notes.

(Police officer on foot patrol is walking, stops and stands outside the closed door of the apartment. He looks at his watch, takes a noise meter out of his pocket, takes a measure, then walks heel-to-toe measuring the distance from the sidewalk to the door and stops. The officer then removes a huge walkie-talkie from his gun belt and makes a radio transmission.)

PATRICK

Unit 7 to Communications, hold me out at 1200 Edgewater Avenue, First floor apartment with a noise violation.

(PATRICK knocking on Door)
(Beverly opens the door with a bottle of beer in her hand)

BEV

Oh, I thought it was Dale.

PATRICK

Ma’am, I am Ocean City Police Officer Patrick Willis, I am investigating a noise violation at these premises. Are you a leasee?

BEV

No, I’m Bev, well Beverly actually, but everybody calls me Bev.

PATRICK

I am not interested in your name unless you are a leasee? Are you a leasee?

BEV

No need to be rude about it. Alicia is asleep in the back bedroom, do you want me to get her?

PATRICK

Is she a leasee?

BEV

No, she is Alicia. Alicia!

PATRICK

Ma’am, do you have a key to this door?

BEV

Why, isn’t it open enough for you?

PATRICK

Ma’am, I have probable cause that the leasees to the premises of 1200 Edgewater Avenue, First Floor — further identified as this apartment — are in violation of Ocean City Ordinance, Chapter 30, Article 5, Section 30-385.

BEV

Are you a machine, like a data processing machine?

PATRICK

Specifically, a leasee did use or has permitted the premises to be used after 10 P.M. to broadcast loud and unnatural noise.

BEV

What is unnatural noise?

PATRICK

I detected a measurement of unnatural noise more than 50 decibel units at a distance of 10 feet on a public sidewalk.

BEV

Is a decibel unit the same as a decibel?

PATRICK

I am notifying you by touch and formal notice that you are hereby detained for presentment to a District Court Commissioner.

BEV

You want me to turn the noise down?

PATRICK

Are you serious? Are you admitting by conduct that you are a leasee?

BEV

Would you like me, Beverly — not Alicia, to modify the unnatural noise of music to a lower decibel unit?

PATRICK

At this point Ma’am I must warn you that everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?

BEV

I understand you are some sort of…

PATRICK

Ma’am, place your alcohol beverage on the ground. Turn around and place your hands behind your back.

BEV

(Compliant)

I didn’t finish.

(Patrick begins handcuffing Bev)

PATRICK

Ma’am, you stated “I understand.” That is sufficient for enforcement purposes.

(Patrick walks Bev towards the door
frame and door at the back of the stage.)

ACT 1, SCENE 2

(Patrick knocks on the door and lets himself in, directing Bev to one of two chairs before a desk. He unhandcuffs Bev and they both sitdown at the direction of the man behind the desk.)

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Good Evening. I am Commissioner Flynn. What do we have here?

PATRICK

Officer Willis, Ocean City Police Department. Your Honor, on Friday, August 10, 1979 at …

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Hold on Officer, just tell me what you and this young woman are doing here.

PATRICK

Yes Your Honor, I am charging the accused, identified as Beverly McFee, with a violation of Ordnance 30-385 — loud and unnatural noise.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Okay, I get it. Ma’am, I will conduct the bail review and determine whether you may be released. Just be patient for a moment. May I hear the probable cause officer?

PATRICK

Officer Willis, Ocean City Police Department. Your Honor on Friday, August 10, 1979 at 10:10 P.M., I had occasion to be on foot patrol in the vicinity of 1200 Edgewater Avenue, Ocean City, Worcester County, Maryland. At that time and place…

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

We’re not in court officer, just tell me what she did.

BEV

Nothing, he was looking for Alicia.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Young lady, please be patient for a moment. Let me hear from the Officer please.

PATRICK

Your honor, using a B&K Sound Level Meter certified by the manufacturer according to U.S. Environmental Protection Agency guidelines, I was able to detect a noise level of 52 decibel units from a public sidewalk more than 10 feet from the source of the noise.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Is that it?

PATRICK

I determined the Defendant to be a leasee based on one, she answered the door, two, she was evasive about answering my questions regarding leasehold, and three, she refused to answer my pre-detention question about having a key to the front door.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

I see. Young lady, is there anything you would like to tell me, maybe where you go to school, if you have ever been in trouble, that sort of thing.

BEV

I am not a leasee; Alicia is probably still asleep in the back room. I’ve never been in trouble. I go to college at Frostburg State.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Well, I think the officer meant to ask if you are a lessor, not a leasee?

BEV

I’m Bev, well Beverly but everybody calls me Bev. Alicia is probably still in bed.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Okay, young lady you have a manageable legal problem.

(Commissioner Flynn addresses Patrick)

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Just out of curiosity officer, are you a summer officer still attending college?

PATRICK

I am attending Pennsylvania State in State College.

(Commissioner Flynn: First to Bev, then to Patrick)

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Young lady, my wife is an alumnus of Frostburg State Teachers’ College, well before it was Frostburg State University. She visits once a year on alumnus day. She still has friends from college. You will too I’m sure. Officer, State College is what — about 5-6 hours away?

PATRICK

Yes, Your Honor.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

After the season, if you are called back to Court, do you get paid for travel time?

PATRICK

No Your Honor, but it is my duty to attend court if I receive a subpoena.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Actually, a summons to appear issued by a Maryland District Court is not enforceable in Pennsylvania.

PATRICK

It is simply being a good citizen to show up to court when notified.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

I’m sure it is. Still, I was just wondering if there might be a way to save you 12 hours of driving for a ten-minute trial? I am supposed to set these 60 days out…let’s see…60 days…is…Columbus Day. I can’t set it on Columbus Day.

PATRICK

Your Honor, I haven’t graduated yet. I don’t even celebrate Alumnus Day.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

I said Columbus Day.

PATRICK

I don’t celebrate that either, I’m a mix of English and Scottish.

BEV

What do you celebrate? The beheading of Sir Thomas More day?

PATRICK

Your Honor, is it too late to add a charge of disorderly conduct?

BEV

At least I have heard of that. I’ve never even heard of a charge for unnatural noise.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Let’s not provoke the officer.

BEV

Are you charging me, Bev McFee, for making an unnatural noise? Isn’t all noise made by a human being natural noise? Aren’t I a human being, a type of animal, a part of nature?

PATRICK

See Your Honor, also I may wish to add a charge of underage possession of alcohol for the alcohol that was in her system when she walked here from the point of arrest?

BEV

A hat trick from Patrick.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Hold on. The Court is closed on Columbus Day. Whether any of us celebrate it or not. Next, the only reason she may have had alcohol in her system in public is because you took her from a place you allege is her residence onto a public street, so no on the alcohol charge. And I don’t know what you think could possibly constitute disorderly conduct in this case?

PATRICK

The manner in which she is disturbing this court proceeding by asking me rude questions about what I celebrate, making fun of my English and Scottish heritage, and calling me “Hat Trick Patrick.”

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

One of the more sensible aspects of Maryland law is that in Maryland, it is not possible to disturb a police officer’s peace.

PATRICK

That doesn’t seem fair or reasonable.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

If the law were otherwise, every grievance by every citizen aimed at a law enforcement officer would be charged by creative police officers as disorderly conduct.

PATRICK

(with “air quotes”)

Are you accusing me of “creative” probable cause?

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

(with “air quotes”)

No, I am not Officer Willis, though years ago, a very wise old judge told me — I was just a young lawyer then — that probable cause is often “invented” at the typewriter.

PATRICK

I was told probable cause is “cemented” at the typewriter.

BEV

Maybe you heard it incorrectly Officer Hatrick Willis.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Perhaps Ms. McFee you could find it in your upbringing to be more respectful?

BEV

I’m just slurring my words from all the alcohol in my system?

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

I am going to take a moment to address each of you and try my best to resolve this matter short of the United States Supreme Court. First Ms. McFee, I am obligated to tell you that by law the maximum penalty is 60 days in jail and a fine of $500. You don’t strike me as the kind of young woman who would do well in a cell with a metal cup sliding back and forth against the bars screaming for the turnkey to bring you your breakfast.

BEV

I’m sorry.

PATRICK

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

And Officer Willis, you seem like a fine young man, but maybe with a bit of seasoning you will relax a little bit and become a better people person.

PATRICK

Yes, Your Honor.

BEV

Your Honor, how will Officer Willis get past all the metal detectors in the courthouse with a heart made of steel?

PATRICK

I knew you were smart when you identified yourself as an animal. Spot on.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Stop it, both of you. Here is what I am going to do. I am going to set this case on October 9, 1979. Between now and the trial date, this is what I want each of you to do. First, Ms. McFee, I want you to apologize to your neighbors for the loud noise in the apartment. Understood?

BEV

There are four apartments at that address. Everyone from all four apartments was at the party. My boyfriend Dale is probably there now watching the baseball game with the old man who lives upstairs.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

You mean a guy my age?

BEV

He doesn’t look that old.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Ms. McFee, if I decide that the alcohol makes you a danger to yourself or others, I am required to put you in jail with no bail and schedule another hearing for when you sober up. Do you want me to do that?

BEV

(Beginning to cry)

I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just scared because I want to be a teacher and I might not get hired if I have a criminal record.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Sometimes Officer Willis, fear in a person manifests itself in bravado.

PATRICK

I didn’t even think of that. My mother is a teacher. She teaches at the Ringling Brother’s Clown College in Florida.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Clown College? I suppose that explains your “live and let live” attitude?

PATRICK

(With no apparent appreciation for the sarcasm)

Yes Sir, I suppose it does.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Ms. McFee, because your neighbors were at the party, it should be an easy apology. Get a letter from them explaining that they were not offended, but that you never-the-less apologized for your poor judgment and loud noise. Now I want two words out of you. “I understand.” Question, do you understand.

BEV

I understand.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Officer Willis, I would like you to trust me that I am going to speak to the prosecutor about this case and ask that you be relieved from your moral duty to drive from State College, Pennsylvania to Ocean City, Maryland because Ms. McFee is going to have apologized to the residents of Edgewater Avenue before the trial date. That may satisfy the State. I want two words out of you. “I understand.” Question, do you understand?

PATRICK

Yes, Sir. I mean. I understand.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Were it within my power, I would order you Officer Willis to escort Ms. McFee back to the residence to make sure that this slightly inebriated future teacher makes it home safely. Were it within my power.

PATRICK

I will do that Sir.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Young lady, were it within my power, I would order you to respect Officer Willis as he does his duty as a young man to protect you on your way back home. Were it within my power.

BEV

Yes Sir. I understand that, Sir. I will do that Sir.

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Okay, then I release Beverly McFee on her promise to be in Court on October 9, 1979, with proof of an apology to her neighbors in the form of a letter from them, which shouldn’t be a problem. That’s all.

(Both young people stand up and begin to walk to the door. Patrick opens the door and holds it open for Bev, like a perfect gentleman.)

COMMISSIONER FLYNN

Officer Willis, thank you for escorting a lessee back to her residence. Ms. McFee, say hi to Alicia when she wakes up.

THE END.